Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
