I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
