Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
ttyl tear gas
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
don't judge my taste in strippers
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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