the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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