What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
