I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
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