Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
