Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
