I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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