i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
