Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
he high fived his dick after we had sex
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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