She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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