I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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