no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Randomize
