your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
