when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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