I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
wrigley field is MILF paradise
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
