If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Randomize
