Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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