last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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