does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Randomize
