1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize
