I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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