fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
