Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
