I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
