shes about as inviting as chlamydia
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
