Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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