Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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