The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
