you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
