my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
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