I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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