Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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