wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Let's get the cat blown out
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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