i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Randomize
