he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
