I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
