I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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