explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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