I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Randomize
