My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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