May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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