god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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