I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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