I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
