Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
