stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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