I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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