Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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