WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
