mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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