oh god the rape fog is back!
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
